Log 7

Sooo many things to write about.

First of all, I’m a bit annoyed that I didn’t sit down and write for the past… wow, almost 3 weeks? Ok, I’ve had a certain amazing person enter my life and sort of occupy my thoughts for most of my day, but this brings me to the following ironic moment: I am regularly inspired by that person to do stuff and improve myself, and more things in general are happening every day which are begging me to digest them in my head and write them down, but at the same time I’m forgetting or postponing, or whatever, to actually write them down. I’m letting my oh-so-frequent lost-in-space mode take me over even more.

Which is one thing which occupied my attention these days, culminating with today’s discovery: After spending most of the day reading for my exam, I’ve managed to pin down probably one of my biggest problems – my general lack of attention.

I am completely to blame. Studying wise, high-school was a joke, and in university it was never intense enough to make me have to study over a prolonged period of time. Frequently when I’m told to do something, such as go to a certain place in a certain street to do a certain thing (or if you want a recent example, take urine sample to doctor X in street Y), I would sort of listen to the instruction and then remember maybe 2 of the 3 parts of it. Or less. When I’m doing very responsible work, such as teaching in workshops, I would have to ask for instructions several times before they sink in.

Basically, I never actively trained myself to pay real attention for a prolonged period of time. This became very obvious today after several hours of reading. I literally had the following conversation with the brat in my head:

“I don’t wanna read this bullshit! I wanna do something else!”

“No. You have to study for your exam. Exaaaaam. Say it. Slowly.”

“No! This book is written awfully and he’s giving me information which is obviously wrong!”

“You’re not repeating after me. Exaaaaaaaaam”

“But I don’t wanna read this! I wanna, I wanna… do something else! Like, like, surf the internet!”

“Yes. Doing what? Reading things? Which is how exactly different from this?”

– ” … Fuck you.”

In any case, I prevailed over the brat and did a total of 10 hours of reading. And it felt good. There were moments when I expected to become tired and instead I would become even more lucid then before. I did sort of burn out in the end, which was to be expected after 10 hours, but in general I’m glad with the way it all went.

I’ll finish the post here, because I want to take it in a direction which requires a lot more thought and I want to keep these posts relatively short. So, tomorrow I’m going to explore how this attention deficit of mine influenced me negatively as a person and how I might change that.

I’ll say it quietly: it’s time I really try and live up to the name of this blog.

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