attention and determination

I’m trying to find a root to my lack of attention, but apart from what I mentioned in the previous post, I can’t really pinpoint it to some big insight or something grand like that. I guess the answer really is simple – I never actively tried to correct this problem and develop my attention, and so far the situation hasn’t been so unbearable to make me change it. Well, since I don’t want That guy to be right again, I’m going to try and correct this. I’m simply going to have to try and pay attention when I should. Yes, it’s very unglamorous, but at the same time it’s possibly the best solution there is.

As for the consequences of this ADDD (Attention deficit day-dreaming) … they go deeper than I expected.

Being lost in thought means that you also spend a lot of time thinking about stuff. This has some great benefits, but it also means that I easily end up unnecessarily overanalyzing things, which I think long-term has given me a big disadvantage – it has undermined my resoluteness to act. More often than not I would let a situation take me somewhere I originally didn’t want to go, but my big mouth would in some way rationalize it. After years of this behavior only absorbed only half of the lesson – I have learned to accept unexpected events, plunge into uncertainties and learn from the experiences, but I still haven’t learned to consistently act with resoluteness when I really decide I should.

This is certainly connected to another part of my personality – my openness. With several friends I share practically everything going on in my life, no matter how personal it is. This need to share, however, is exactly that – a need. Whenever something happens in my life, I want to almost immediately talk about it with someone. I need to share it, to take in the other person’s reaction, to laugh with them or be angry or sad or whatever it is we should feel about it.

This is another reason why I think that for a long time I have lacked resoluteness – having had to share everything with my friends, I have lost my own confidence in my own opinions; the sort of confidence which makes you act once you decide what you should do. I have let other people judge the value of most of the things happening in my life.

So, this also has to change. I’ve thought about it (ironically) and it came to this: I don’t want to neither wait for a sudden difficult situation to make me change my ways, nor simply throw myself into one. Instead, I am making a conscious choice:

Some months ago I have decided what I want to do in the next 12 months. One thing is an experimental language-learning workshop. Another is creating an environment in my faculty which will foster student activism and cooperation both outside and within the classrooms.  There are some other smaller and important tasks, but these are the two big things which will take up most of my life until next June. They are things which I sincerely want to do and to do them right, I will have to become way more responsible, organized and disciplined than I am now.

This will also require me to whip both my resoluteness and my attention into shape, and I think that this is how it should be done – by becoming aware of your flaw and realizing how much your life will truly benefit from fixing it (I am avoiding the opposite sort of motivation, because I feel that if I’m telling myself how bad my life will remain if I don’t fix something, I’m only two steps away from waiting for my life to really become that bad to make me change myself, and that’s a clear victory for That guy. Some might say this is simply a glass is half-full/half-empty sort of perspective shift. Obviously I disagree with this, but I think there’s no point in elaborating even more – I should first wait and see what it feels like to actively fix yourself, and succeed).

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